The tough decision

Montreal, January 29

Over the weekend, I had to make one of the most difficult decisions I've faced in my life. Looking back at it from so close, it seems rather self-evident that this was the choice I'd have to make, but at the time, it was not clear to me at all.

When I met my supervisor on Friday, after hearing about the attacks in Nakuru and the fresh eruption of violence, I resigned myself to delaying my return to Kenya by a week or two, just enough time to let things settle down enough so I could get back to my research. It still looked like the 'leaders' were heading towards some sort of political solution (and maybe it still does, since Kofi Annan is still in the country, trying to bring the sides into negotiations). I made a quick call to my travel agent, who then informed me I could get a waiver on the flight change fees and make my return later.

By Sunday afternoon, things had become more serious, and far more sad. Over Saturday night, Naivasha began to experience the same kind of revenge attacks and assertions of control that Nakuru had seen over the previous few days. Fighting started in Karagita, a bedroom community of sorts, on the road between Naivasha and Kongoni, which I use to travel between Nairobi and my field site in the Mau Hills. I hoped it would simply be a riot and looting escapade. Phone calls from a colleague in London, where she had to go to get away before tensions burst in Naivasha, relaying information about what was going on convinced me that it wouldn't just fizzle out. By Monday morning, media were reporting more than 20 dead and countless injured, including at least two incidents in which fleeing families were burned alive in their homes.

The email from my supervisor suggested that I adopt a radical alternative plan. I should, he suggested, plan to stay here in Montreal until after my unalterable obligation in June, and only then return to Kenya to continue my field research. While here, I could begin writing my thesis, and devolop a focused plan of research for when I go back. Academically, the benefits are pretty obvious; I have the chance to spend time figuring out what I wish I'd done and asked over the past 10 months and then go do and ask it later (without having to apply my way into a post-doc!). From Nairobi, this would be difficult, if not impossible, and I would have the fixed end-date in late June looming over me, pressuring me, encouraging bad decisions.

Personally, and emotionally, none of it was obvious. I've spent months making friends, falling in love with communities and places, and letting Kenya take over a part of my being. I know there's not much I could do from inside Kenya, but there would be some comfort in at least being in the country, on the scene, with my friends. There's also an overwhelming sense of guilt that I am able to simply leave Kenya, even though my choice to leave was not made on the basis of the election fallout. Why do I get to enjoy this luxury of freedom and peace, while others risk their lives, basically due to accidents of birth.

I have now become more accustomed to the idea that I'll be spending five or six months back in Canada. It will be a challenge to sit here and watch, wait, and wonder if peace will return to Kenya, if my friends will all survive until I get the chance to see them again, if there will be any move towards a short-term resolution, let alone a long-term solution to the underlying problems that have led Kenya to the brink of collapse. All I can do for the moment is hope that the violence does not spread any further towards the communities in which I have lived. That the young and brave Dorobo and Maasai men whom I have spent time with, and their elders, have the wisdom to keep from rushing into battle before attempting to maintain peace. That others are not stupid enough to direct their rage and aggression towards a community that will gladly fight to protect themselves. That the so-called leaders whose actions have spawned this beast have the humility and courage to act now before more Kenyans die, before the country is reduced to ruins.

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Breaking news from Nairobi. The MP for Embakasi, Mugabe Were of the ODM has been gunned down outside his home. He was attacked by at least two men with guns and shot in the head and chest while he waited to drive into his compound. The police are calling it a murder, and have not ruled out political motives. I'm disgusted that another death has resulted from greed for political power, but I'm thankful that it wasn't a higher profile politician. Still, the fallout from this news will be disastrous, and I hope that this will make the elite realize they are not simply playing with the lives of the common Kenyan, but that they too are in grave danger, increasing with every day that this political stalemate continues. How many more must die before someone blinks?